Shell

Something really great happened today - my Aunt Shell created a Facebook account. 


Now here's the thing - I thank my mother on a regular basis for not having a Facebook account. The Baby Boomers ruined Facebook, everyone knows that. It just wasn't as much fun anymore when it wasn't just us college kids messing around and posting embarrassing pictures of each other. All of a sudden, we had to monitor what we said, because holy crap!, our parents could see it. (Well that and the whole potential employers checking out your Facebook. That was a real buzz kill too.)


But after the shock of all that, it turns out that sometimes having the old folks on is kinda fun. Its a great way to stay in touch with people, and for better or for worse, people tend to be more open on the internet. 


So I was really, really excited to see my Aunt Shell's profile.


I have lots of extended family, but Shell is in my Top 3 of favorites. She lived with my parents for 2 years after I was born so that my mom could work full-time, and while I never confused her for my mom, I've always had a very close, very special relationship with her. When I was little, she didn't talk to me in baby talk - she spoke to me as if I was a tiny little adult. When I went to college in Oklahoma City, I spent at least a third of weekends at her and my Uncle Rick's house. I would always bring my dirty laundry with the best intentions of doing it myself, like a grown-up, but she would always sneak in and do it before I'd even thought about it. When I was planning our wedding, my own mother acted as if my getting married at 24 was some kind of horrible trick to make her feel old - my Aunt Shell listened to me go on and on about little details, bought me a stack of wedding planning books, and cried when she saw me in my dress. My mother loves me, a lot, but she has a tendency to shy away from strong emotion and general girly stuff. Aunt Shell is the one I go to when I need to have a good cry, go shopping, or even get drunk and watch a chick flick because it was that kind of week.


When I saw that friend request from her, all of this came rolling up from where I've been pushing it down. Since the wedding, we really haven't traveled at all - with Tommy working in grocery, big family holidays like Thanksgiving are not times that we can travel. I haven't seen Shell in person since the my grandparents' anniversary party more than a year ago, and the thing I've been trying not to admit is that I miss her so much more than I can ever say.


I spend a lot of emotional energy not thinking about how much I miss people that are so incredibly important to me - Uncle Larry, Aunt Karen, Erin, Diane, Ashley... I usually feel a little bit better because I can at least keep up with them on Facebook. And Shell is finally on Facebook where we can stay in touch that way, but for right now -


I just miss my Aunt Shell. And I can't really do anything about it except write this entry, and hope that she knows just how much she means to me.

Imaginary Friends

I knew I was forgetting something! My blog!


Sorry about that. My follow-through on things where I'm not held accountable is shockingly bad. I'll try to do better!


Can I admit something embarrassing? I play World of Warcraft. A lot. I come home and unwind by killing imaginary bad guys and internet dragons. And I love it.


In-game there are these things called guilds - a group of people working for a common goal. There are hundreds of guilds on every server, a guild for any kind of player - casual guilds that just keep up a steady stream of in-game conversation, hard core raiding guilds that raid every night from 7-10 and are constantly working to improve their strategy, and everything in between. 


When I first started playing, I went guildless. Tommy and I play on the same server, so I could have joined his guild - but I wouldn't. I'm ashamed to admit it, but I judged the people that play this game very harshly, and I didn't want to socialize with "freaks" and "nerds." As a fellow nerd, that's pretty hypocritical. But I persisted in my close-minded playing style, struggling along with very little help from other players. 


When I hit level 80 (the highest level at the time), something strange happened. I became friends with someone in-game, Bowen - he helped me out when he saw me struggling, and asked if I would help him too, so I did. We struck up this highly unlikely (to me at least) friendship, and he asked if I would like to join his guild. He told me it was a guild of mostly married couples with some college kids, and that they were a pretty casual social group. I told him I'd think about it.


It wasn't just my bad attitude toward players that had kept me from joining a guild - it was the guilds themselves. I had heard horror stories from Tommy and Matt (his best friend and old roommate) about a guild they were both in - a power mad guild master and drama that never seemed to end. I started playing WoW as stress relief, and to me, dealing with drama didn't seem like it would decrease my amount of stress. 


But Bowen was persistent. I spent a night of game playing with him, his wife, and 2 of the other members of the guild - and it was fun. So much fun that I joined the guild, bringing Tommy in with me. 


We've been really happy in our guild. I'm friends with most of them on facebook, and I'm continually surprised by how supportive they are. 


But. Oh, but. Things have gotten messy.


Our guild master (not Bowen), became frustrated over a number of things, and in a pretty shocking move, kicked everyone who hadn't been playing in a while out of the guild - she even transferred her character to the other side! That left me and Tommy basically alone in the guild.


It was sad. No one was ever on, and we didn't agree with what she'd done - but it was already done. There wasn't really anything to do.


So a month after that, Bowen (who was kicked), signed on and discovered he was guildless. He was....upset. Let's go with upset. They all were. So he formed a new guild.


And there we were - trapped square in the middle. Our guild master had come back too, and told them it was just a big joke - which she honestly thought it was - and asked them to come back. Unanimously, they said no.


So for quite a while, things have been strained. I've been unhappy with the guild - there was an incident with a new member using some really awful hate speech in a guild forum, which deeply hurt me. But even more than that, I missed my friends. I hated how fractious everything had gotten, with everyone fighting all the time.


So after lots of lots of deliberation, we decided to leave. We talked to our guild master last night, and told her we were leaving. She was upset, understandably. And there I was, crying, when we both typed in /gquit.


Its stupid, I know. Its a game, it should be fun, and I wasn't having fun. But I couldn't stop crying. This guild has been a wonderful support for us, and it was almost impossible to leave.


I frequently do things that make me unhappy because I can't stand for other people to be unhappy or not like me. My roommate in college said that I was too gentle of a soul to willingly hurt other people even if they were hurting me.  This was one of the few things I've done that has been all about my happiness.


And I feel horrible about it.


I know it was the right decision for us - we're in Bowen's guild, and its a lot of fun. But I can't get over hurting our old guild master. 


When I first started playing, I referred to guilds as imaginary friends. The anonymity of the internet makes it so easy to pretend that the person you're typing to isn't as real as you are. But my imaginary friends have come to be real friends, and I don't want to hurt them.


So, should you happen to stumble upon this, I'm so, so sorry Julie. I never wanted to hurt your feelings. There was no way to do any of this in a way that didn't hurt someone. I hope you can forgive me. 


I'm sorry about this nerdy post. But this isn't the kind of thing I can talk to people about, and I needed to talk (write?) it out. 

Day 13: Goals

When I graduated from high school, I just knew I wanted to be a music teacher; 7 years later I'm not so sure. I was so close, and technically I still am, but I don't know if that's my main goal anymore. 

Education in Texas is suffering - we're looking at huge budget cuts, like 1 teacher per grade level being fired. Unfortunately, one of the first things to get cut is always the arts - music in particular. So even if I did have a job in a school, I would most likely be looking at termination in the very near future. 

Maybe its a good thing I didn't achieve that goal. I'm still trying to decide what I really want to do for the rest of my life, but for now I'm content to continue on with the job I have - which happens to be teaching. But teaching preschoolers is different, and I learn something new from them every day. In the long run, I hope it makes me a better parent.

So, for the time being, these are my goals:

1. Live healthier and happier - going to sleep earlier, eating better, having more sex, being more active, being kinder in general to myself. 

2. Enjoy my life where its at. 

3. Keep learning.

Yeah, they're vague. I have specific ones, but this really covers a lot of them. 

Day 12: Something you don't leave the house without

I wish there was only one thing I couldn't leave the house without! I carry a purse so big its actually a reusable shopping bag.


But in general, the 2 things that I never leave behind are a book and my iPhone. You never know when you're going to need a book, and then you don't want to be without it, and the phone is just one of those ways that modern technology controls the way we live in. 

Day 11: Favorite tv shows

This seems pretty self-explanatory, so here we go: 


- How I Met Your Mother
- Pushing Daisies
- Firefly
- The Nanny
- Castle
- Mythbusters
- Modern Family
- Dancing With The Stars


There sure are a lot of shows on that list that aren't even on the air anymore...but I don't care. I still love them, and I still watch them.


And I'm caught up! Yay! I'm going to do my best to stay on track now....

Day 10: Something you're afraid of

I hate to admit it, but I carry around a lot of petty little fears.


- Heights
- Roaches
- Big scary dogs, the kind that could maybe eat my feet
- Not being able to help my friends when they need me
- Losing my parents
- Answering my phone to find out that someone I love is in the hospital
- Being in the hospital

- Getting pregnant 

- Not being able to get pregnant

- My kids turning out horribly

Most of my fears center around a lack of control - when I sense that I'm somehow not completely in control of a situation, I freak out. Its why I'm such a terribly nervous passenger in cars - its not that everyone I ride with drives horribly, its that I can't relinquish control.


And once again, this little blog helps me sort out my issues. 


Thanks little blog. You're the best.  

Day 9: A favorite picture of your best friend

I don't know if I have someone I would call my "best friend," but I am blessed with lots of close friends that I've known for a very long time, and people who I love very much.

I wouldn't say that I'm someone who has tons of friends - but the friends I do have I love and cherish, and they are all the best.