Shell

Something really great happened today - my Aunt Shell created a Facebook account. 


Now here's the thing - I thank my mother on a regular basis for not having a Facebook account. The Baby Boomers ruined Facebook, everyone knows that. It just wasn't as much fun anymore when it wasn't just us college kids messing around and posting embarrassing pictures of each other. All of a sudden, we had to monitor what we said, because holy crap!, our parents could see it. (Well that and the whole potential employers checking out your Facebook. That was a real buzz kill too.)


But after the shock of all that, it turns out that sometimes having the old folks on is kinda fun. Its a great way to stay in touch with people, and for better or for worse, people tend to be more open on the internet. 


So I was really, really excited to see my Aunt Shell's profile.


I have lots of extended family, but Shell is in my Top 3 of favorites. She lived with my parents for 2 years after I was born so that my mom could work full-time, and while I never confused her for my mom, I've always had a very close, very special relationship with her. When I was little, she didn't talk to me in baby talk - she spoke to me as if I was a tiny little adult. When I went to college in Oklahoma City, I spent at least a third of weekends at her and my Uncle Rick's house. I would always bring my dirty laundry with the best intentions of doing it myself, like a grown-up, but she would always sneak in and do it before I'd even thought about it. When I was planning our wedding, my own mother acted as if my getting married at 24 was some kind of horrible trick to make her feel old - my Aunt Shell listened to me go on and on about little details, bought me a stack of wedding planning books, and cried when she saw me in my dress. My mother loves me, a lot, but she has a tendency to shy away from strong emotion and general girly stuff. Aunt Shell is the one I go to when I need to have a good cry, go shopping, or even get drunk and watch a chick flick because it was that kind of week.


When I saw that friend request from her, all of this came rolling up from where I've been pushing it down. Since the wedding, we really haven't traveled at all - with Tommy working in grocery, big family holidays like Thanksgiving are not times that we can travel. I haven't seen Shell in person since the my grandparents' anniversary party more than a year ago, and the thing I've been trying not to admit is that I miss her so much more than I can ever say.


I spend a lot of emotional energy not thinking about how much I miss people that are so incredibly important to me - Uncle Larry, Aunt Karen, Erin, Diane, Ashley... I usually feel a little bit better because I can at least keep up with them on Facebook. And Shell is finally on Facebook where we can stay in touch that way, but for right now -


I just miss my Aunt Shell. And I can't really do anything about it except write this entry, and hope that she knows just how much she means to me.

Imaginary Friends

I knew I was forgetting something! My blog!


Sorry about that. My follow-through on things where I'm not held accountable is shockingly bad. I'll try to do better!


Can I admit something embarrassing? I play World of Warcraft. A lot. I come home and unwind by killing imaginary bad guys and internet dragons. And I love it.


In-game there are these things called guilds - a group of people working for a common goal. There are hundreds of guilds on every server, a guild for any kind of player - casual guilds that just keep up a steady stream of in-game conversation, hard core raiding guilds that raid every night from 7-10 and are constantly working to improve their strategy, and everything in between. 


When I first started playing, I went guildless. Tommy and I play on the same server, so I could have joined his guild - but I wouldn't. I'm ashamed to admit it, but I judged the people that play this game very harshly, and I didn't want to socialize with "freaks" and "nerds." As a fellow nerd, that's pretty hypocritical. But I persisted in my close-minded playing style, struggling along with very little help from other players. 


When I hit level 80 (the highest level at the time), something strange happened. I became friends with someone in-game, Bowen - he helped me out when he saw me struggling, and asked if I would help him too, so I did. We struck up this highly unlikely (to me at least) friendship, and he asked if I would like to join his guild. He told me it was a guild of mostly married couples with some college kids, and that they were a pretty casual social group. I told him I'd think about it.


It wasn't just my bad attitude toward players that had kept me from joining a guild - it was the guilds themselves. I had heard horror stories from Tommy and Matt (his best friend and old roommate) about a guild they were both in - a power mad guild master and drama that never seemed to end. I started playing WoW as stress relief, and to me, dealing with drama didn't seem like it would decrease my amount of stress. 


But Bowen was persistent. I spent a night of game playing with him, his wife, and 2 of the other members of the guild - and it was fun. So much fun that I joined the guild, bringing Tommy in with me. 


We've been really happy in our guild. I'm friends with most of them on facebook, and I'm continually surprised by how supportive they are. 


But. Oh, but. Things have gotten messy.


Our guild master (not Bowen), became frustrated over a number of things, and in a pretty shocking move, kicked everyone who hadn't been playing in a while out of the guild - she even transferred her character to the other side! That left me and Tommy basically alone in the guild.


It was sad. No one was ever on, and we didn't agree with what she'd done - but it was already done. There wasn't really anything to do.


So a month after that, Bowen (who was kicked), signed on and discovered he was guildless. He was....upset. Let's go with upset. They all were. So he formed a new guild.


And there we were - trapped square in the middle. Our guild master had come back too, and told them it was just a big joke - which she honestly thought it was - and asked them to come back. Unanimously, they said no.


So for quite a while, things have been strained. I've been unhappy with the guild - there was an incident with a new member using some really awful hate speech in a guild forum, which deeply hurt me. But even more than that, I missed my friends. I hated how fractious everything had gotten, with everyone fighting all the time.


So after lots of lots of deliberation, we decided to leave. We talked to our guild master last night, and told her we were leaving. She was upset, understandably. And there I was, crying, when we both typed in /gquit.


Its stupid, I know. Its a game, it should be fun, and I wasn't having fun. But I couldn't stop crying. This guild has been a wonderful support for us, and it was almost impossible to leave.


I frequently do things that make me unhappy because I can't stand for other people to be unhappy or not like me. My roommate in college said that I was too gentle of a soul to willingly hurt other people even if they were hurting me.  This was one of the few things I've done that has been all about my happiness.


And I feel horrible about it.


I know it was the right decision for us - we're in Bowen's guild, and its a lot of fun. But I can't get over hurting our old guild master. 


When I first started playing, I referred to guilds as imaginary friends. The anonymity of the internet makes it so easy to pretend that the person you're typing to isn't as real as you are. But my imaginary friends have come to be real friends, and I don't want to hurt them.


So, should you happen to stumble upon this, I'm so, so sorry Julie. I never wanted to hurt your feelings. There was no way to do any of this in a way that didn't hurt someone. I hope you can forgive me. 


I'm sorry about this nerdy post. But this isn't the kind of thing I can talk to people about, and I needed to talk (write?) it out. 

Day 13: Goals

When I graduated from high school, I just knew I wanted to be a music teacher; 7 years later I'm not so sure. I was so close, and technically I still am, but I don't know if that's my main goal anymore. 

Education in Texas is suffering - we're looking at huge budget cuts, like 1 teacher per grade level being fired. Unfortunately, one of the first things to get cut is always the arts - music in particular. So even if I did have a job in a school, I would most likely be looking at termination in the very near future. 

Maybe its a good thing I didn't achieve that goal. I'm still trying to decide what I really want to do for the rest of my life, but for now I'm content to continue on with the job I have - which happens to be teaching. But teaching preschoolers is different, and I learn something new from them every day. In the long run, I hope it makes me a better parent.

So, for the time being, these are my goals:

1. Live healthier and happier - going to sleep earlier, eating better, having more sex, being more active, being kinder in general to myself. 

2. Enjoy my life where its at. 

3. Keep learning.

Yeah, they're vague. I have specific ones, but this really covers a lot of them. 

Day 12: Something you don't leave the house without

I wish there was only one thing I couldn't leave the house without! I carry a purse so big its actually a reusable shopping bag.


But in general, the 2 things that I never leave behind are a book and my iPhone. You never know when you're going to need a book, and then you don't want to be without it, and the phone is just one of those ways that modern technology controls the way we live in. 

Day 11: Favorite tv shows

This seems pretty self-explanatory, so here we go: 


- How I Met Your Mother
- Pushing Daisies
- Firefly
- The Nanny
- Castle
- Mythbusters
- Modern Family
- Dancing With The Stars


There sure are a lot of shows on that list that aren't even on the air anymore...but I don't care. I still love them, and I still watch them.


And I'm caught up! Yay! I'm going to do my best to stay on track now....

Day 10: Something you're afraid of

I hate to admit it, but I carry around a lot of petty little fears.


- Heights
- Roaches
- Big scary dogs, the kind that could maybe eat my feet
- Not being able to help my friends when they need me
- Losing my parents
- Answering my phone to find out that someone I love is in the hospital
- Being in the hospital

- Getting pregnant 

- Not being able to get pregnant

- My kids turning out horribly

Most of my fears center around a lack of control - when I sense that I'm somehow not completely in control of a situation, I freak out. Its why I'm such a terribly nervous passenger in cars - its not that everyone I ride with drives horribly, its that I can't relinquish control.


And once again, this little blog helps me sort out my issues. 


Thanks little blog. You're the best.  

Day 9: A favorite picture of your best friend

I don't know if I have someone I would call my "best friend," but I am blessed with lots of close friends that I've known for a very long time, and people who I love very much.

I wouldn't say that I'm someone who has tons of friends - but the friends I do have I love and cherish, and they are all the best.

Day 8: A place you've traveled to

I wish I did actually travel! One of the things on my list of "Stuff Tommy and I Have To Do Before We Have Kids!" is going to visit Nessie (more on the list at a later date).


I spend a lot of time in Oklahoma, but that never really feels like travel to me - its just another home. 


How about NYC? 


Bright lights, big city?


(Let's forget that I was a senior in high school on that trip, and that it was a school trip.)


The lesson here is simple - I need to travel more! 


To Visit:
Scotland
England
France
Italy
Russia
Greece 

Day 7: Favorite movies

Crap. I have a lot of favorite movies. Top 7?

In no particular order, they are: 

1. Amelie - One of the most adorable movies ever made. Weird people fall in love too.

2. Beauty and the Beast - I was once a little girl who read books all the time. I am still that little girl, and this is her favorite movie.

3. Victor/Victoria - On what I hope remains the worst New Year's Eve of my life, I came home broken-hearted from a party (way before midnight) ready to crawl into bed and try not to think about it. Instead, my parents opened up 2 bottles of champagne and let me drink and we watched this movie. It fixed all the hurts.

4. Barefoot in the Park - Now that we're newlyweds, this movie is even more of a favorite. At least we're not sleeping in a closet in an apartment with no bathtub!

5. Howl's Moving Castle - I can't really explain what it is about this movie that appeals to me. Its a love story that really is fairly simple, but something about it really speaks to me. 

6. The Princess Bride - "...and wuv, Twue wuv...."

7. The Lord of the Rings - I married a nerd, and my ability to love these movies is one of many things that he loves about me. 

Day 6: A picture of something that makes you happy

How about a collection of things that make me happy?

 Full Circle Books in OKC, the best bookstore in the whole entire world. This is the bookstore so perfect you lost all hope of finding anything like it. When I drive through OKC, I might not have time to see everyone I want to see, but I have time to visit Full Circle.

Alstromeria, my very favorite flower. They just make me smile.

The husband and the little monkey we keep twice a week. They're best buds, and they crack me up. It gives me the warm fuzzies to watch them play and laugh.

Day 5: A song to match your mood

Houston, Texas is not the kind of town with what I would call good weather. Its usually miserably hot and humid, but today is a rare day indeed - it is a beautiful, perfect spring day. A day for picnics and cloud watching, for running and swinging, for kisses and bare feet. 


We had a really fantastic dress rehearsal for the Schutz St. John Passion this morning, which is good since the performance is tomorrow morning. I really wasn't confident in this all coming together, so it was amazing to watch it all fall into place. We also rehearsed music for Maundy Thursday, and I'm singing this solo that used to be way out of reach for me. Standing up in the balcony and singing it, I felt all the training that I've had my whole life click. This - this is what it means. This sound, this feeling. 


The way this all makes me feel sounds like "Sigh No More" by Mumford and Sons, by my favorite band (for the moment). Especially this: "Love that will not betray you, dismay or enslave you - it will set you free, be more like the man you were made to be. There is a design, an alignment, a cry of my heart to see the beauty of love as it was made to be."

Day 4: Your parents

Where did my week go?!?! Its been a long, rough week, and I'm so glad the weekend is here.

My parents are Janet and Pete. They were high school sweethearts and they've been married for (I think) 34 years. 

If I were to take a really hard look at myself and the choices I've made, I would have to say that the fact that my parents are high school sweethearts definitely impacted my own faith in young love. My poor brother got a double dose of this with me and my parents. 

My parents are wonderful, hilarious, frustrating, inspiring people. So much of who I am was formed by them, and I wouldn't have it any other way.

Day 3: Your first love

Ahhh, first love. 


I'm not going to insist that Tommy was my first love - but he was and is my first adult love. The first person I loved while accepting and understanding who he is, and who I am, and who we are together. Real adult love involves a certain amount of selflessness, but first love....


Well, that's all about how someone makes you, as an individual, feel: the agony and the ecstasy, the drama, the joy, the inevitable heartbreak.


My first love was a boy named Jonathan, and he was almost exactly like Chandler from Friends. No, really. Sarcastic, hilarious, but more mean than nice, and completely wrong for me in every way. (Isn't it always that way?) I'm an intense personality - when I'm happy, I'm really happy, and its the end of the world when I'm sad, etc, etc. He brought out the more...unattractive aspects of that in me. It was a big mess of hormones and hurt feelings. I'm sure we both walked out of it thinking that this was the worst thing that could have happened to us. 


If I could go back and talk to my 15 year old, brokenhearted self, I would tell her that this too shall pass. When you're young you think that every hurt you get will leave a scar a mile wide, that nothing will ever be the same, and that this was the pinnacle of your life. Best 2 out of 3 little Kendra - nothing will ever be the same because you've learned a lot about yourself, and that has a ripple effect; and this was the best your life has been so far. Things change. And that huge scar? The initial hurt might be huge, but the healing process shrinks it down, and the scar looks small and dim compared to what it once was. 


I think that our life experiences build on themselves and make us who we're going to be. My first love was over dramatic, hormone-fueled, and to my adult eyes a little silly. But I can't discount the very real feelings I felt then - they've made me the woman I am now. 

Day 2: Meaning behind your blog name

(I'm sure I already explained it, but I'm all about following instructions.)


I'm still a newlywed, something that almost everyone in my life comments on at some point, usually because we've just done something adorable. But I also think this is a time of change and growth, when both of us can feel free to operate with the safety net of the other person, like starting a new job because your spouse supports your decision, or trying new things together. 


Sometimes people will see us doing something sweet, like holding hands and bumping into each other on purpose to get a laugh, and they'll make a mildly sarcastic comment about us still being newlyweds. I hope that the rest of our lives, we hold on to that fresh feeling of happiness that we're sleeping in the same bed and drive each other nuts. 


There's a sense of fun in being a newlywed, and I hope we never lose it.

Day 1: Introduce, recent picture of yourself, 15 interesting facts

Hi internet! My name is Kendra Michelle Galyean Alves. Not legally, mostly because I can't bear to give up any of those names. I'll figure it out.


This is me:

I'm 25 years old, and I'm an Aquarius with a Leo rising sign. Now, I'm sure you don't really believe in astrology, because I'm pretty sure that most people really don't, but this does explain a lot about me. It explains the fact that while I want to help other people and save the world, I'd really like to be a hero and the center of attention while that's going on. It also explains the fact that I'm a free-spirit (code for really big nerd) and a people pleaser at the same time. 

I am a preschool teacher, but I'm not really sure if this is what I would like the continue doing. Education in Texas is kind of taking a nose-dive because we elected a governor too stupid to plan ahead for things like teaching our kids to read, so that's not exactly the best field to be working in right now. When I grow up, I'll decide what I want to be. 

I'm married to a wonderful, weird man, and when we're not cleaning our apartment we're very happy. He tolerates my weird quirks and I try very, very hard not to change his. I tend to be melodramatic and neurotic, and he's not either of those things - we balance each other out. 

I'm going to assume these 15 facts should be about me....

1. I can't wink. No, really.

2. I love the poetry of Pablo Neruda, e.e. cummings, and Margaret Atwood.

3. I also love dirty romance novels by Jillian Hunter, and pretty much only her. 

4. Harry Potter is so much a part of my childhood that I sometimes wonder if I would be the same person if I hadn't read those books.

5. I just noticed that this challenge doesn't include a day about favorite books, and for the bookworm I am this sucks. So, I also love John Irving, Christopher Moore, and Jacqueline Carey. They write books that have nothing in common, and I regularly recommend all three.

6. I have weird waffle toes - they look like regular toes that were squished. I don't care, I still wear sandals.

7. I am much shorter than you think I am.

8. My favorite colors are green, purple, teal, and pink. 

9. I play WoW. I don't care if you think its stupid, I kind of love it - its my opportunity to shoot stuff, have a pet lion, and be a total badass. 

10. I didn't get my driver's license until I was 18. That's how much of a procrastinator I am. I also had to learn to drive in Houston, and that can scare you off driving.

11. I didn't go on antibiotics of any kind until I was 11 years old. I was my pediatricians pride and joy - he used to brag about me to visiting interns. The last time he did that, I was there for bronchitis - oops.

12. I'm such a people pleaser that most of the people in my life have no idea what I really think about them. The only people who hear about it are Tommy and my mom, and Tommy gets to hear how I feel about him too. Did I mention he's practically a saint? 

13. I miss having voice lessons.

14. I'm near-sighted. 

15. Thursdays are my least favorite days.

The Challenge

Erin has inadvertently challenged me to do this. I hadn't read her blog in a while and when I did, I saw that she was doing this 30 Day Blog Challenge, and I'm a kind of follower when it comes to blogging. 


Day 0: The 30 Day Challenge Explanation and Description
Day 1: Introduce, recent picture of yourself, 15 interesting facts
Day 2: Meaning behind your blog name
Day 3: Your first love
Day 4: Your parents
Day 5: A song to match your mood
Day 6: A picture of something that makes you happy
Day 7: Favorite movies
Day 8: A place you've traveled to
Day 9: A favorite picture of your best friend
Day 10: Something you're afraid of
Day 11: Favorite tv shows
Day 12: Something you don't leave the house without
Day 13: Goals
Day 14: A picture of you last year - how have you changed?
Day 15: Bible verse
Day 16: Dream house
Day 17: Something you're looking forward to
Day 18: Favorite Place to Eat
Day 19: Something you miss
Day 20: Nicknames
Day 21: Favorite Picture of yourself - ALL TIME
Day 22: What's in your purse?
Day 23: Favorite Movie
Day 24: Something you've learned
Day 25: Put your iPod on shuffle, first 10 songs
Day 26: Your Dream Wedding
Day 27: Original Photo of the city you live in
Day 28: Something that stresses you out
Day 29: 3 Wishes
Day 30: a picture of yourself this day and 5 good things that happened since you started the challenge

I originally started this blog because I've missed writing and I needed a way to vent that didn't involve sitting on a couch and crying to a stranger that I paid. This will give me something happy to do! 

Sunday

Yesterday was a rough day, and not just because Daylight Savings Time, i.e. the worst idea Ben Franklin or G.V. Hudson ever had, started. 


Tommy came home from work yesterday to tell me that Jason, his best friend since he was in t-ball and Cub Scouts, is at MD Anderson, one of the best cancer treatment centers in the country. He went in to the ER late Saturday night and was admitted around midnight. A round of tests later, he was diagnosed with acute lymphoblastic leukemia.


Its a complicated story, but he's been reassigned to a new doctor who's putting him through even more tests today. ALL is most common is children under 5, so they're trying to be absolutely certain that this man, in the prime of his life, really does have this disease. 


We went to see him last night, and it wasn't an easy visit. What do you say to the person sitting in that hospital bed, hooked up to all those beeping machines? I realized last night that I had no idea what to say to him, and I'm a constant talker. I've realized that in most cases, I talk to cover up silences and tensions in different groups - I turn into some kind of demented stand-up comic, one joke after another to fill the void. But last night I just couldn't do it. I wanted to find something to fix this, but there wasn't anything I could do.


Jason married one of my (former) best friends from junior high on, and their marriage has dissolved into a battlefield, with their children, a 3 year old daughter and a 1 year old son, caught in carefully neutral territory. But last night, she relented and brought the kids to the hospital with her for a visit. 


When they came in, Jason's daughter stopped about three feet from the bed, and with her blue eyes wide, she asked in her little girl voice if Daddy was alright. It broke my heart. I can't even imagine how Jason kept it together.


That has to be the single hardest thing I've ever seen a parent do - smile at his daughter and say yes, Daddy's fine.


I wish I had some kind of grander spin on this, but right now, everything seems small and inadequate. Jason is such a strong guy. That has to be enough for now.


I have no idea if anyone reads this besides my husband. But if you're reading this, please pray for Jason. I know we will be, but every prayer helps.

Forgiveness

"The hatred you're carrying is a live coal in your heart - far more damaging to yourself than to them."

               - Lawana Blackwell

"Forgiveness does not always lead to a healed relationship. Some people are not capable of love, and it might be wise to let them go along with your anger. Wish them well, and let them go their way."

               - RealLivePreacher.com, Weblog, July 7, 2003

"Forgiveness is the healing of wounds caused by another. You choose to let go of a past wrong and no longer be hurt by it. Forgiveness is a strong move to make, like turning your shoulder sideways to walk quickly on a crowded sidewalk. It's your move."

               - RealLivePreacher.com, Weblog, July 7, 2003

"It really doesn't matter if the person who hurt you deserves to be forgiven. Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself. You have things to do and you want to move on."

               - RealLivePreacher.com, Weblog, July 7, 2003

They always tell you trite things about forgiveness - forgive and forget, it will set you both free, blah blah blah. The actual business of forgiving someone, especially a friend, is deeply difficult, heart-breaking, and messy. 

After all, day-to-day forgiveness for our friends is easy. We forgive them when they're late to dinner, they don't call back, and when they blow us off for some guy they just met. We love them, and we let it go. 

I'm talking about the deep hurts, the ones that tear you apart. Sometimes it is a big thing, but its much more likely that it will be a lot of little things, sharp memories of little cruelties, that add up to one big, messy pile of sadness and anger. And that pile becomes so big you can't see over it or around it, and going under it would just be unsound.

What do you do?

It would be really easy to say "forgive them." But there comes a point when that becomes harder than anything else, because now its not just one thing, its fifteen, and they're all serious, heavy things. They weigh on you, and you feel them all like a stone when you're around them: all the unspoken words of anger and hurt, boiling up, and you can't get them out. 

I've been struggling for months with trying to forgive someone who used to be one of my best friends. Everyone kept telling me that if I would just get over it, it wouldn't a big deal - that's just how she is, and she won't ever change.

I refused. 

But the only person it's hurting is me, because I know that she wouldn't care. My feelings, or really anyone's feelings, are not something she concerns herself with. If she knew how deeply upset I was, she would just laugh it off.  

But the longer this goes on, the worse I feel about it. I'm carrying around so much anger and sadness, and its exhausting. I have to do something.

Like forgive her. Even though I don't want to. Even though she doesn't deserve it, or my friendship, or the emotional energy I've put into her. But I deserve it. I need to be able to see our mutual friends again, and that means that she'll be there, and I can't handle it if I'm still carrying around all my hurt. So in the end, the best thing - for me - is to forgive her.

It doesn't mean we're friends. I was so frustrated I read the blog from Real Live Preacher about forgiveness, because I needed to hear something new about it, and I included some of the quotes that really touched a chord with me. 

I do think she's capable of love, but I don't think that she's capable of being a good friend to me. So I'm letting her go. I'll still have to see her, a lot more than I would really like, but I can choose whether or not I want her to be a force in my life, whether or not I really let her in. The best thing I can do for myself is to keep her at arm's length. 

I would love to end this by saying that some day we'll be friends again, but I don't find any truth in that. 

I'll end it by saying that this might be one of the healthiest emotional decisions I've ever made. It might seem petty and a small-minded, but I know its the mature, healthy thing to do. 

My new year's resolution this year was to live healthier and happier, and this will help me to do both. 

Now, I'm going to go decide what to make Tommy for Valentine's Day.  :) That just sounds like a lot more fun, doesn't it?

I have an excuse, I swear!

We were moving. That's why I haven't been writing, and there have been lots of things that I've wanted to write about! I'll write them retrospectively this week, but I'll start with the first tonight - moving out of our old apartment and into the new one.

I hate packing. The whole idea of seeing my life in boxes and being moved around makes me feel like I have too much stuff, that I should live more New Testament-like, with just the clothes on my back. But then where would I pack my books and my vibrator? This clearly means I would have made a crummy apostle.

I'm such a bad mover that I really only packed two things: books and clothes, and the clothes I left on the hangers and put into trash bags, because we were only moving across the complex. But packing books - that's something I enjoy. Its like visiting old friends, and telling them I'll see them again soon. I have to resist the urge to read a few pages of my favorites (and sometimes I'm not very good at resisting), but just seeing them reminds me that they're there, ready for me to enjoy once we unpack them.

But once the packing was done (thanks Babe), we had to start the actual moving. During two of the coldest days Houston will see all year, complete with ice, freezing rain, and winds that reminded me why I moved back from Oklahoma. To a third-floor WALK-UP.

Thank God for the husband, the brother, and the best man/old roommate. I suppose its pretty obvious that I was kind of useless, but I did stay in the old apartment and clean.

And while I was cleaning, I discovered something I hadn't expected - I was really going to miss this place.

This was the apartment that Tommy and Matt moved into in 2008, and when I first started sleeping over, it looked like quite the bachelor pad - samurai swords on the walls, Family Guy and video game posters, and (fake) leather couches. When we had the place to ourselves, we only changed it a little because we knew we'd only be staying until February.

But still...

This was the place that Tommy proposed to me, where we cooked our first meal together, where we learned how to live together. It was hard to walk out of there knowing that we wouldn't be coming back. When we finished cleaning it late late late Thursday, I cried when we locked it up for the last time.

I know its silly. Its an apartment, and the one bedroom we moved into looks exactly the same, just without the other bathroom and extra room. But that apartment held our memories.

This place is actually ours - our names on the lease and on the mailbox. Its very slowly coming together, a difficult process since I'm so impatient. Its already filling up with new experiences and moments.

Its our home.

I promise they won't all be letters - but this is a good one.

Dear Crystal, 

Today was your memorial service at St. Matthew's. I still can't really believe you're gone - I feel like you're still going to walk in for choir practice on Thursday with Ray, even if it has been years since that happened.

Crystal, you were so very loved. I hope we made you feel that while you were with us. We talked today about what a sweet, caring, funny soul you were, and how there never will be anyone like you again. Lisa called you a woman of style, poise, and beauty, and she was so right - you were all those things, inside and out.

I've been a member of this church since before I was born, so I've known you my entire life. I joined the choir when I was a sophomore in high school, and I was so nervous when I first started singing with you guys. You put together my first folder, and handed me my robe that first week, since I couldn't seem to find anything. You told me that soon enough this would all be routine for me, and I'd be showing people where we hide everything they need - that came true in a big way. Whenever I have to track down music, a missing folder, or the CD player that inexplicably moves, I think of you. You took care of me, so I try to take care of everyone else just as well.

Everyone came back to sing for you. Old choir directors, members that have moved too far away to attend, people that just don't sing with us anymore - they were all there. The loft was as full as it ever was. I was so happy to see them all there, and I couldn't help but smile, because only you could have gotten them all back together again. You probably would have told us that it was too much fuss, but that's how loved you were. 

When Ray stood up to thank everyone for coming, and how much this church had meant to the two of you, it just amazed me, and filled my eyes with tears. I know you didn't want to leave him, and he looks so lonely without you - we'll keep an eye on him, but I know you did a much better job on your own than the whole church can do without you. Crystal, he was so brave. I can't imagine the kind of strength it took to stand up straight and tall and talk to us all on a day that was so, so hard for him. You would have been proud.

Hearing the story of your love and marriage made me so happy. Tommy told me afterwards that he wants to go first, so he'll never have to go to my funeral, and I know what he means. I hope our marriage is as happy and joyful as your marriage to Ray. I know we won't be any more ready to leave than you were at 93!

But seeing how happy and blessed your life was just fills me with hope. You were an amazing woman Crystal, and the legacy you left behind is so sweet - a family that loves you. I'm sure you had your faults, but today we celebrated not just the individual things that were wonderful about you, but your whole, flawed soul - and it was beautiful.

Thank you for being such a bright force in all our lives. You will be missed.

Love, 

Kendra

I really did miss you.

Dear Blog, 

Well, it looks like we're alone. I know, I changed your address and your format after ignoring you for years. But I missed you, and I couldn't find you, so I found you a new home. I hope you like it.

I missed talking to you. Even if no one else ever bothered to read you, you were very important to me. I needed the act of writing out my feelings and seeing them in print to come to terms with them. Sometimes talking to friends isn't quite enough. You were always the perfect listener, a hell of a lot cheaper than a therapist, and much more difficult to lose than a pen and paper journal.

So I've come back. And I'm glad to see you again.

Things have changed a lot. I've (almost) graduated from college, moved back to Houston, out of my parents' house, into Tommy's apartment, and got married. But really, things aren't as different as they seem - the person at the keyboard is still me. I'm still as quirky and neurotic and difficult as ever. 

I gave you a new name. I know it seems a little trite, but hear me out - this is a time of change in my life. I'm at a job that is in no way permanent. We're living in an apartment that isn't permanent. Things seems very fluid right now, and that's what being a newlywed is all about - change and growth. So, roll your eyes Little Blog, but you know I'm right. I wanted you to be here to see all the change, because the performer in me needs an audience, a witness, a sympathetic ear. 

Thanks again Little Blog. You're a good friend, and I could always use more of those. Sleep tight.