Forgiveness

"The hatred you're carrying is a live coal in your heart - far more damaging to yourself than to them."

               - Lawana Blackwell

"Forgiveness does not always lead to a healed relationship. Some people are not capable of love, and it might be wise to let them go along with your anger. Wish them well, and let them go their way."

               - RealLivePreacher.com, Weblog, July 7, 2003

"Forgiveness is the healing of wounds caused by another. You choose to let go of a past wrong and no longer be hurt by it. Forgiveness is a strong move to make, like turning your shoulder sideways to walk quickly on a crowded sidewalk. It's your move."

               - RealLivePreacher.com, Weblog, July 7, 2003

"It really doesn't matter if the person who hurt you deserves to be forgiven. Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself. You have things to do and you want to move on."

               - RealLivePreacher.com, Weblog, July 7, 2003

They always tell you trite things about forgiveness - forgive and forget, it will set you both free, blah blah blah. The actual business of forgiving someone, especially a friend, is deeply difficult, heart-breaking, and messy. 

After all, day-to-day forgiveness for our friends is easy. We forgive them when they're late to dinner, they don't call back, and when they blow us off for some guy they just met. We love them, and we let it go. 

I'm talking about the deep hurts, the ones that tear you apart. Sometimes it is a big thing, but its much more likely that it will be a lot of little things, sharp memories of little cruelties, that add up to one big, messy pile of sadness and anger. And that pile becomes so big you can't see over it or around it, and going under it would just be unsound.

What do you do?

It would be really easy to say "forgive them." But there comes a point when that becomes harder than anything else, because now its not just one thing, its fifteen, and they're all serious, heavy things. They weigh on you, and you feel them all like a stone when you're around them: all the unspoken words of anger and hurt, boiling up, and you can't get them out. 

I've been struggling for months with trying to forgive someone who used to be one of my best friends. Everyone kept telling me that if I would just get over it, it wouldn't a big deal - that's just how she is, and she won't ever change.

I refused. 

But the only person it's hurting is me, because I know that she wouldn't care. My feelings, or really anyone's feelings, are not something she concerns herself with. If she knew how deeply upset I was, she would just laugh it off.  

But the longer this goes on, the worse I feel about it. I'm carrying around so much anger and sadness, and its exhausting. I have to do something.

Like forgive her. Even though I don't want to. Even though she doesn't deserve it, or my friendship, or the emotional energy I've put into her. But I deserve it. I need to be able to see our mutual friends again, and that means that she'll be there, and I can't handle it if I'm still carrying around all my hurt. So in the end, the best thing - for me - is to forgive her.

It doesn't mean we're friends. I was so frustrated I read the blog from Real Live Preacher about forgiveness, because I needed to hear something new about it, and I included some of the quotes that really touched a chord with me. 

I do think she's capable of love, but I don't think that she's capable of being a good friend to me. So I'm letting her go. I'll still have to see her, a lot more than I would really like, but I can choose whether or not I want her to be a force in my life, whether or not I really let her in. The best thing I can do for myself is to keep her at arm's length. 

I would love to end this by saying that some day we'll be friends again, but I don't find any truth in that. 

I'll end it by saying that this might be one of the healthiest emotional decisions I've ever made. It might seem petty and a small-minded, but I know its the mature, healthy thing to do. 

My new year's resolution this year was to live healthier and happier, and this will help me to do both. 

Now, I'm going to go decide what to make Tommy for Valentine's Day.  :) That just sounds like a lot more fun, doesn't it?

I have an excuse, I swear!

We were moving. That's why I haven't been writing, and there have been lots of things that I've wanted to write about! I'll write them retrospectively this week, but I'll start with the first tonight - moving out of our old apartment and into the new one.

I hate packing. The whole idea of seeing my life in boxes and being moved around makes me feel like I have too much stuff, that I should live more New Testament-like, with just the clothes on my back. But then where would I pack my books and my vibrator? This clearly means I would have made a crummy apostle.

I'm such a bad mover that I really only packed two things: books and clothes, and the clothes I left on the hangers and put into trash bags, because we were only moving across the complex. But packing books - that's something I enjoy. Its like visiting old friends, and telling them I'll see them again soon. I have to resist the urge to read a few pages of my favorites (and sometimes I'm not very good at resisting), but just seeing them reminds me that they're there, ready for me to enjoy once we unpack them.

But once the packing was done (thanks Babe), we had to start the actual moving. During two of the coldest days Houston will see all year, complete with ice, freezing rain, and winds that reminded me why I moved back from Oklahoma. To a third-floor WALK-UP.

Thank God for the husband, the brother, and the best man/old roommate. I suppose its pretty obvious that I was kind of useless, but I did stay in the old apartment and clean.

And while I was cleaning, I discovered something I hadn't expected - I was really going to miss this place.

This was the apartment that Tommy and Matt moved into in 2008, and when I first started sleeping over, it looked like quite the bachelor pad - samurai swords on the walls, Family Guy and video game posters, and (fake) leather couches. When we had the place to ourselves, we only changed it a little because we knew we'd only be staying until February.

But still...

This was the place that Tommy proposed to me, where we cooked our first meal together, where we learned how to live together. It was hard to walk out of there knowing that we wouldn't be coming back. When we finished cleaning it late late late Thursday, I cried when we locked it up for the last time.

I know its silly. Its an apartment, and the one bedroom we moved into looks exactly the same, just without the other bathroom and extra room. But that apartment held our memories.

This place is actually ours - our names on the lease and on the mailbox. Its very slowly coming together, a difficult process since I'm so impatient. Its already filling up with new experiences and moments.

Its our home.